You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
