gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize