We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
