i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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