I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
