okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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