I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
