Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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