I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
