So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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