Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
