she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I have tasted many bathrooms
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
