Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
