I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
