Only a mothe r could love this liver
where am i from again
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
