There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
