I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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