Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
