Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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