You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
