I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Did I show you my penis last night?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
