I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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