Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
