i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
did you just send me my own nude
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
