is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
