You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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