no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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