My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
