i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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