Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize