why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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