it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
