Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Randomize
