just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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