Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
