I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Please don't give away my fajitas
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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