i think i have two assholes
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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