you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
This is my gift to your gina
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize