He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Randomize
