You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
