I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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