Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Two words: nipple clamps
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