His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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