The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
