broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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