I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize