I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
