I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
