ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
