he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
FUCK WHALES
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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