My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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