I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
