and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
