Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
