Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
