I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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