i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
