When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
