it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
