I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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