Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
this will be a night to untag.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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