New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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