Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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