I like my sex mixed with concussions.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Randomize
