They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
